I was up late one night, scrolling through my Instagram feed and telling myself to get some sleep. But once I've gotten a taste of the world and all it has to offer, it's hard to turn my brain off.
I thought about the college girls get together I was going to go to. What I was going to share - should I be deep and personal? Or is it not worth the pain? What if I cry? - and what I was going to say. I mean, what if I told them about my favorite book and how it strikes me where all the favorite books do (in the heart) because the guy chooses the gal first and things aren't always perfect between the couple but they love.
She is always his first choice.
And then I cried because there is so much talent out there, the world is so big, and I want to play my part - a whole, independent part - but there is this hungry, fleshy part of me that
To be valued enough to be someone's first choice.Not romantically. But purely. To have someone meet my eyes and smile in a way that lets me know they take joy in seeing me.
These thoughts are tricky, muddy trenches.I tend to end up slopping through the trenches because I lose sight of important things. Like the sunshine and how I do love myself - crazy as it seems. I am enough, yet I forget.
So when that rope comes down and the search light sears my eyes--
What is that?
What pulls me free?
It says, in Titus 3, verses 3 through 5: "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit..."
We are valued where we stand. Or fall. Or flail or weep or cry out with joy. The point is, God cares and does not cast His gaze away.
No matter how softly we cry.
Friend, it's okay to feel empty. It's okay to feel as though you lack belief. Or just feel as though you lack. If only we could wrap our heads around the fact that one moment doesn't have to define everything. One desire doesn't have to be a searing pain in your side for the rest of your days. One disappointment doesn't have to lead to constant failure.
We are enough.
We are valued.
We are human. We bounce back, rebuild, and use phrases until they become cliches. Because. We. Are. Stubborn!
Life is not a bright and shining gold-paved street. It is a walk through paper cuts and hand sanitizer rain.
Bind your wounds:
- Luke 12:6, 7
- 1 Corinthians 10:13
- Matthew 11:28 - 30
- John 16:33
- Zach Williams - Chain Breaker
- Bethel - No Longer Slaves