Skip to main content

Hiding Feeling: A Writing Piece (Guest Post)

"I could never imagine you angry Aileen! Never! You are always so very joyful and friendly!"

I mask my annoyance with a thin laugh. "That is kind of you," I say, my teeth grinding together. "I am glad you think of me that way." A false smile takes up my lips. They believe it. Yes, I have always been good at giving those fake smiles. 

For, is it not especially unnatural to be happy all the time? To not ever show just a minuscule bit of vexation. Doesn't everybody have some? All of us have right to be angry at some point. What matters is exactly how you go about expressing your feelings. 

My name, Aileen, means bright. That, I do strive to be. But sometimes, a bit of anger swells up inside me. I keep it under control, I keep smiling. "Aileen," I say to myself, "Be bright! Don't show your displeasure!" I listen to what I say to myself. I follow it, no matter how much strength it takes. I conceal my feeling, and shield them with what people assume about my general character. 

Some anger stores up. Some fades away. 

A few days ago, I had a lot of anger. I concealed it away at first, laughing along to the terror of the event. Pairs of eyes looked at me smiling. They thought something about me that wasn't true. When the subject was mentioned upon as "bad" they targeted me. I said nothing. I withstood it, not standing up for myself. I acted like the whole situation was hilarious. Scornful comments were made, and as they built up, anger did too. I made the decision to open up my mask just a bit. I built up the courage, and talked reasonably and calmly. 

Nobody believed or payed attention to a single word I was saying. "This isn't like you," they said. Everyone had categorized me into a mold of personality. One that didn't exist. My anger had been festering up. After nobody took me seriously, it finally blew. 

Should I have masked my annoyance when that general assumption regarding me always being joyful by a friend was made? Shouldn't I have learned from my mistakes by now? Shouldn't I have told that I do get angry at times?  Nobody took me seriously when I voiced my feelings , but is it not worse to have my anger build again? To have an outburst instead of a calm talk to work out a situation? If I express some of my anger by talking to people more often, will they take me seriously? But, is it possible to change from old behaviors? They who my anger spurted out on call me crazy. Is it wrong that I am still laughing along with them? About my crazy outburst that it wasn't expected at all, and that I am never angry? 

Old habits are hard to break. But I have things to say and do. I have feelings that need to be communicated.  And, I am going to try hard to break this habit.

+ + +

Bio: Hello! I'm Jollygirl! I'm just a normal girl, (well, actually slightly different than a normal girl) who started a blog. I enjoy reading blogs and interacting with other people in blog land. And, it gives me a great way to express my opinions and thoughts, and just random things. I'm an introvert, who has trouble interacting with people I don't know very well. I'm also a reader, always getting swiped into books, ending up reading several at a time. Writing is another cherished hobby. And, of course, I'm always, always, always thinking. I have so many ideas about the world. I really enjoyed guest posting on Rose's wonderful blog, and thank her for letting me do so!


Popular posts from this blog

So this is where I'm at.

Hi friend. How are you? I hope this post meets you well. Today I wanted to write about this little space. My corner of the Internet.

After many attempts to give it a major face lift / rebrand / vibe / mission I figured out that the girl I was in 2012 when I originally started this blog is no longer who I am.

So let's start fresh.
Hi, I'm Rosie. I am a college student and a creator of many crafts. I enjoy writing Young Adult fiction, playing piano, singing at the top of my lungs, and, above all, making other people laugh. Right now I am pursuing a degree in art therapy, which means my future job will be helping people express themselves in a safe environment with someone who loves them. I have tried to be many things on the Internet, from an American Girl doll hoarder to a make-up artist, but nothing has really clicked with me.
Not until now.
I have always been a Christian. My entire life I have identified as being a follower of Jesus Christ. But the thing about growing up in t…


Have you ever had that one thing you've tried to make work but never could? This could be anything in your personal life, from piano notes to paragraphs in a blog post.

Well, I've been trying and trying and trying and trying for years now to get blogging to work for me. At one point in my life, this was my passion. I lived for your comments, your friendship, and the purity of sharing whatever was in my heart with the world. But I don't feel warmth or connection anymore. In fact, I feel rather lost. Like I'm shouting into an abyss, vying for attention and something to fill my inner void. This feeling comes more often than I care to admit, and I've pushed through all this time with the thought that it will get better. That all I have to do is keep trying and it will work out.

But it hasn't. And I'm out of ideas.

This isn't to say I won't be back. That I won't hit a creative stride in the next week and decide to share something epic with you. But f…

Angel by the Wings (Piano Cover)

Many months ago I fell in love with this song. And like anyone who has fallen in love, it's stuck with me -- to the point where I can now play it with my eyes closed.
I think I love it so much because the lyrics go like:
"You can, you can do anything, anything
You can do anything"
Over and over. In these past few months, I've needed those power phrases on repeat.

Thank you, dear music, for being the inspirational piece to get me back into taking piano lessons. Thank you for inspiring me to learn other pieces (and yet always return to you).
It scares me to share this with you because it is imperfect, our piano needs tuned, it's not visually stimulating, or even a good quality soundtrack. But I think I would be doing myself an injustice if I didn't.
Besides, everyone has to start somewhere.